If one needed a visual of this word, they would find a still photo of me in the fetal position clutching my stuffed dog in pure angst. One would wonder: Did someone die? Did she lose her job? Is there a severe physical ailment? No. None of those things transpired. Rather, I realized that I am not invincible, I cannot take rejection, and I am financially irresponsible.
Let’s take a deep dive [Spark notes version] into my psyche over the past 8 weeks and evaluate why you’ve been neglected of my witty words during this time.
- I was considered for a job that I did not want, for a company that I have salivated over for years. I never wanted the job. Ever. However, even as I flew out to my final round interview, I was trying to make it work logically in my head that if I suffer enough in a company that I love it will eventually all workout. Even as I was trying to convince myself that this job that I was overqualified for and had no desire in taking was the next big break in my life, I received the biggest blow to the gut when I received my rejection phone call. To think you have something in the bag and then to topple off of the pedestal you put yourself on is quite traumatic.
- I am on a financial struggle. It is not the severe struggle some face where they debate between paying their car payment or light bill for the month, rather it’s the anguish in realizing that I can no longer afford bottomless brunches and now have to cook for myself and provide my own Korbel and Simply Orange (with mango) instead of having Mindy the waitress bring them to me.
- Along the same route, I can no longer plan to go to Las Vegas with my friends. This realization is not helping as I have lately been trying to get a handle on my intense FOMO (fear of missing out) anxiety. I feel as if all of my friends have migrated to Nevada at some point in 2014. Now that the dream of parlaying on the strip is no longer on the table, what photo will garner the Instagram caption – “School is like going to Vegas. Gambling thousands of dollars when there’s no guarantee you’ll be successful. #cliquechillin #6amnights #whathappens”
- After conversing with my sister and lamenting on how I hate my stage in life and the stagnation and the unrest and the blah blah blah that are my first world problems, I told her that Oprah was already fulfilling her purpose at my age, but Suze Orman was a waitress – so there’s hope. She then went on to tell me that they and I are apples and oranges. I cannot compare myself to them because I do not have the drive, focus or direction to attain their level of success (I promise she’s a really sweet girl she’s just giving me some tough love – but she clearly enjoys kicking dogs in her spare time).
- My roommate pointed out to me that I make no sense. In my recent state of borderline depression, I told her that when I do finally make it big I’ll be a sham of a success since I don’t have a story/haven’t gone through a real struggle. I didn’t grow up on the streets of Brooklyn being forced to sell crack or have to deal with alcoholic parents or harassed to join a gang, rather I got by in middle class suburbia having to deal with relentless jokes on my nose than threats on my life.
If you haven’t rolled your eyes at least 8 times while reading this, then something is seriously wrong with you. While these are all real self-centered, self-deprecating thoughts that I’ve had in recent weeks, my inner circle has helped me to realize that I need to get over myself and count the thousands of blessings that I have. Having a few complaints aren’t bad, heck I think they’re healthy as it shows you desire to see a difference in the status quo that is your life. However, if you allow your discontent to cause you to go into paralysis and down a rabbit hole of self-loathing then this is where you should draw the line.
As William Ernest Henley puts it quite nicely, ‘I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul’ (well… you and Jesus). No one else can be the pilot of your life but you. Even if you haven’t figured out where you want to land, at least make the journey worth while!