Blah III

There’s this telling knot in the back of my throat that tells me I’m not as happy for you as I say I am.

While my words are genuine as I say “Congratulations, you deserve it” I can feel the corners of my eyes start to prickle as I wonder – when will people start saying this to me?

Even as these negative thoughts creep in and I try to smack them away, it feels as if I setup camp near an ant bed. No matter how hard I try to fight these feelings and shake them off, eventually I’ll be consumed.

I don’t want to be that person… that person who finds personal misery in your good news. I want to mean it when I say I’m happy for you. I do mean it when I say I’m happy for you.

The problem is that I’m failing to find the positives to my narrative. I’m no longer noticing the peaks as I am consumed by the valleys and trenches. Stuck in an internal war I’ve found myself in, I’ve developed trench fever as I am physically starting to feel the effects that this mental warfare is having on me.

The scariest thing of all is not my health – I’ll bounce back. It’s not these trenches – there’ll be personal casualties, but I know the war is mine.

The scariest thing of all is that during this internal warfare, my smile has lost its power. This was my super power. Dazzling. Disarming. It made me hard to figure out at times. This smile was my greatest piece of hardware as it made people think they knew me, made them think we were friends, made me seem a little genuine.

This war has bled into my reserves and I don’t have the strength to bolster my greatest asset. Now that the smile is fading, as it’s no longer reaching my eyes, people are starting to see the underlying emotions, the underling layers… and to me that’s the scariest thing of all.

No one should really know what you’re really thinking. No one should ever know how you truly feel. Right? If people found out what you weren’t saying they wouldn’t be around for very long.

Being fake and surrounded by people is less lonely than being ‘real’ and having no one. Right?

I am not depressed. I am not jealous.

I’ve just been exposed.

What are your thoughts?

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