I need that to be very clear.
This needs to be distinct because I have no idea where my fingers are going to take me in these next few moments as I write this post, but it’s imperative to know that I. AM. HAPPY. I’ve worked hard to get here and I need you to acknowledge my hard work and clap for me incessantly in reaching this milestone. Seriously. Gimme the claps. I live in LA now and like claps and green juices.
The past few months I’ve vanished. Figuratively and literally. “Friends” in LA have commented on it incessantly. People on the east coast would slide in my phone letting me know — in case I didn’t notice. Initially, I was subtle. Showing up here and there. Posting a quirky status on Facebook or showing up for every 5th pal’s performance I was invited to so that I still maintained all of my shallow connections. Initially I cared about these things. However, I soon realized that caring for and about other people who didn’t genuinely care about me and invest in me in return was hurting me. It took me awhile to realize this, but once I did I couldn’t unrealize it. So, what’d I do? I chose to ghost myself.
You see, at that time I was well versed in ghosting. I’d recently gotten a feel of it from a guy, from “friends”, from potential job opportunities — I could’ve written a step by step guide on “The Art of Attraction: How to be a Ghost Magnet”. Who knows, I might make that a chapter in my memoirs. So many things were vanishing in my life — so quickly — I didn’t know how to process it all. Not only that, but I was in a serious rut of depressive/self-loathing stagnation — I wasn’t writing, wasn’t improvising, heck I wasn’t even networking and I can do that in my sleep! — I decided my unemployed self deserved a well earned break from it all. A break from what you might ask? A break from subconsciously comparing myself to everyone else and constantly feeling inadequate. I realized I didn’t really enjoy the pain of social media like everyone else. It’s funny. Social Media — S&M — in a way, they’re eerily similar. Adrenaline rushes from well received pictures/videos. The shame/irritation from poor performing posts or friends that are doing “better than you”. Social Media wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I needed to break free from the addiction and go cold turkey.
For 110 days I said no to my flesh to compare myself.
For 110 days I battled demons I didn’t know I was in the ring with.
For 110 days I upped the ante God did on my humbling season and bet him he couldn’t make it any worse. <<< I’m an idiot. <<< Never bet God. <<< You’ll lose lol.
But I’m grateful for it all. I have an issue comparing myself. Not wanting to graduate from somewhere or wanting to birth a mini me, but realizing that I’m overwhelmingly self-conscious that I’m not progressing in life at the same rate as everyone else and finally accepting that that’s okay. It’s okay to have this revelation, it’s not okay for it to paralyze me.
My sister made me do this exercise yesterday where I wrote down the misc things I’m balancing and figuring out where my time goes and what I’m truly prioritizing. 14 things. I’m wearing 14 different hats right now. If I tried to somewhat consolidate them they’d merge into 8 fedoras. That’s still too many. Of those 8 I didn’t even realize writing, my main passion/talent at the moment, WASN’T EVEN ON THE LIST! Obviously in my “Year of Yes” I forgot to make sure I was prioritizing what really mattered. I’m not being secretive for the sake of being mysterious. I just don’t know which of the 14 have to go to make room for more of this. I’ll share with you in due time. I need you to help me stay accountable.
So, now that I’ve learned how to be truly comfortable in this chocolate skin… Now that I’ve learned not to feel validation through other people and the likes I receive on the interwebs… Now that I’ve learned to focus on the future and not replay the past… Now that I’m learning how to prioritize my responsibilities, and not let life happen to me but take it by the cojones (yes, that’s how you spell it!), It’s kind of exhilarating. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d have five jobs, only get paid for two of them and be okay with that! Never in my wildest dreams did I think improv would a) be a part of my life and b) be such a HUGE part of it and c) that’d I’d look forward to being on stage. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was possible for me to pursue what I’m pursuing and be surrounded by some of the dopest people I’m humbled to call friends and mentors.
I’ve no idea what the big man is scheming up there. But I’m finally ready to not stand in my own way with senseless things like fear and doubt.
So, allow me to reintroduce myself.
I’m Moni Oyedepo.
The girl you knew.
The woman you’ve yet to meet.